Heart Reading … Day 64
What is the difference between feeling and fighting?
My heart has been overruled by my head today. Despite having a lot of very good experiences at work, with family and friends — a truly full and otherwise perfectly happy day — I am sad and, frankly, a little bit pissy. I don’t want to do a heart reading because I actually want to wade through this negativity for a while. I believe it is here to help me figure something out; and I think it has to do with making a distinction between feeling and fighting.
Every story in this series of heart reading has something to do with feeling. Feelings are what guide the body-mind through life, consciously or subconsciously. And I am particularly dialed into the importance of this gift that feelings bring us — a gift that keeps on giving — like the steady and generous beat of our heart. So this heart reading may be part one of an attempt to make myself a “case study” on transforming feeling.
Just because I have a clear opinion about feelings as “good” no matter how heavy or light, painful or easy, doesn’t mean everyone else — or anyone else — has this same opinion.
When I got into an argument today with someone about trust and vulnerability that escalated into a clear difference of opinion about whether or not we were fighting, I curiously watched my anger rise and fall with each new layer of our miscommunication mucking up the interaction. This took place over a couple of hours while driving — in fits and starts with long pauses in between.
I might have a double standard about anger in particular; and it is hard for me to know unless someone else helps me see it. I believe one’s tone of voice reflects whichever feeling is present in the moment and if I’m able to not take it personally when someone has an angry tone, I can witness their anger and watch as the reason for it plays out. But I also know that tone of voice can set me off, especially when I perceive anger “underneath” a tone of voice like sarcasm.
These perceptions are dangerous. They are hard to identify as they rise up inside of us. And we all know what can happen when someone we are arguing with tries to ask us to clarify whether or not what they are perceiving is what we are feeling — we might get defensive and instinctively deny the truth of their perception even if they are spot on, or we might shut down and refuse to keep talking. Of course we might also be able to breathe deeply, pause, carefully reflect on the perception they have shared about our state of being — especially if we can hear or feel the concern in their voice — and acknowledge whether or not there seems to be some truth in it.
At the end of any day, all we can control is our own feelings.
The act of feeling an intense source or stimulus of anger (fear or sadness) and allowing the body — through its breath and healing waters — to embrace and embody the anger (fear or sadness) so that it can emerge as a wiser, lighter, transformed expression of its original state can result in compassion, kindness, joy, and insightful, universal truth. It takes daily practice. And those we love and care for … are worth the effort.
I understand trauma. And I understand healing. When we are in a state of being where we cannot hear advice or even be able to discern whether or not someone else is being heart-centered and kind, we get into a dysregulated state I am calling Trauma Hearing — the state where we can’t really hear what the other is saying. All we can do when we find ourselves in this state is to choose to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves.
My heart is a little wobbly at the moment, where one beat every few beats is bigger than the rest. I held quite a bit of tension in my face until I took time to “breathe and release.”
I’m looking forward to a good night’s rest.
