You Will Never Be Enough
Every Monday morning I wake with a clenched jaw and fists despite being grateful for having a job and having one that I actually enjoy. And nearly every moment of every day my head is spinning with all the things I have “consumed” — particular song lyrics are usually the most annoying — despite many years of practicing mindful breathing and “consuming” of things like conversations, movies, and foods.
I believe most of us humans living in the “united” states are feeling overwhelmed beyond what seems possible, logical, or manageable at the moment, so I am feeling inspired to dig into the weeds for a moment and explore the roots. It’s something I have a lot of experience with emotionally and a practice I am a total novice with literally (i.e. supporting the growth of plants).
The phrase “digging my roots” was the title of a book I never finished. It juxtaposed my genealogy research of seven generations alongside the science of the living soil microbiota. I felt comfortable writing the human parts but wholly inept to write the parts about the natural world. And in this moment of reflection, I believe that the natural world is infinitely more forgiving of my and our collective human ignorance and shortcomings than the humans whom I allow myself to believe I know a thing or two about.
We all have such different roots — not just biologically. All of our choices help us grow roots in different ways. We plant ourselves in living and work spaces with others for short or long periods of time and the length of time determines how deep or how wide our roots will go.
It may be easy for people with deep roots to feel superior to people with widely dispersed roots. But with the insane levels of soil erosion and extraction most everywhere you look, even the mighty oaks are toppling over. As I attempt to listen to and learn from what is working or not working in my little greenhouse, I long for a “quick fix” of community support; but I figure this is something that will build more slowly than I might like… if I am persistent.
I believe the root of all pain and suffering comes down to the tensions between two phrases we may hear in our heads — phrases we may think are privately whispered or screamed but are subconsciously played out through our body language, tone of voice, habits and behaviors for all to see. These phrases we all have internalized are, “you are not enough” and “you are too much.”
You have certainly experienced the interpersonal tension that emerges when the sounds of “you are not enough” clash with the sounds of “you are too much.”
The first phrase gets us to send our tap roots down deeper and deeper — searching for more information, greater meaning, living waters. The second phrase gets us to uproot ourselves and explore new spaces, seeking like-minded others, more fertile soils in which to plant ourselves. Bridging the tensions between these phrases in all of us, I continue to hope, may help to not only strike chords of resonance and establish melodic harmonies with one another, but may also vibrate in all directions to restore peace and harmony with the natural world. One can hope.
By some wild coincidence I watched two movies this past weekend with the name Judy in the title. One, about Judy Garland (with an amazing performance by Renee Zellweger) and the other about the female half of the 17th century puppeteering duo Punch and Judy (with a dynamic performance by Mia Wasikowska). Judy Garland’s mad singing talent was larger than life which kept her moving and performing all the time, uprooted and questing. Judy the puppeteer was deeply rooted in a tiny witch-stoning town that one generally had to die in order to leave. Judy Garland heard she was “too much” by those who wanted to capitalize on her talents while Judy puppeteer was told she was “not enough” by the guy who couldn’t match her talents.
Does it seem masochistic to dig into the roots of problems? In theory, no. But unless one is singing with a choir of like minded friends or participating in scheduled time to “talk”, if no inhibiting substances have been consumed, precious few people will welcome an impromptu exploration of subterranean motives that might wake the folk up. Climate science anyone?
Is it masochistic to dig into the root problems of one’s childhood in order to feel the shortcomings of one’s parents and attempt forgiveness and letting go? It would appear to be so, given the allergic reaction many have about such efforts.
It is perfectly okay to feel not enough or to feel too much in any situation. If we weren’t able to gauge our own abilities and skills in relation to others none of us would grow. Even extremes of “not enough” or “too much” help us to know when a big shift is needed in life. The problem lies in chronic repetition of either phrase — such as constant criticism from a spouse or parent, lack of training that keeps one unable to perform their job. Multiply chronic “not enoughs” and “too muchs” by eight billion humans and we begin to imagine the complexity perpetually impacting nature.
Yesterday on my daily walk with my dog Rosie, she strayed a bit and came upon a neighbor and his two older dogs. The neighbor and I got to talking about the fact that we could no longer not hear traffic along the trails because the utility companies cut trees for profit by selling wood chips to Europe. He said, “people have lost touch with the wild” and I added, “which leads them to lose touch with themselves.”
We are all like the diverse members of the woods — impossible to appreciate every single being yet entirely possible to learn how to stop cutting each other down. We can be more response-able and better attend to the ways in which we are interconnected.
To be perfectly clear with this forest analogy, the tall pines standing close together with shallow roots like the Old Guard have had so much access to sunlight that the white birches have withered and stand alone, often decapitated. It’s time for some intentional forest management that respects and appreciates and understands its diversity.
I will never be enough. You will never be enough — nor will anyone else.
And we are all too much — in our own marvelous ways.
